Minamiはなむけ ─ Sacris Solemnis 01 ─
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Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
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Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
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Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
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Warning: preg_match(): Compilation failed: invalid range in character class at offset 4 in /home/garden-ethel/moo-and-mole.com/public_html/south/wp/wp-content/plugins/lightbox-plus/classes/shd.class.php on line 1120
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平成版009に触発されてのもの。(特に第一世代設定に)
三部作の最初の話。
これは、004のＢＧ時代のもの。出てくるのは、2、3、4。
Sacris solemnisJuncta sint gaudiaCorda et voceset operaRecedant viteraNova sint omniaSacris solemnis gaudiaTe trina Deitasuna poscimusSocris solemnis gaudiaCorda,Voces operaLucem ad inhabitasこの厳かな儀式が喜びに満ちたものになりますように心も声も行いも古いものは消え去り何もかも新たになりますように喜びの厳かな儀式神よ、三つの姿したただ一つの実体喜びの厳かな儀式心も声も行いもあなたの光とひとつになりますように
─１─
白い光で目が覚めた。
辺りはぼんやり白く、全ての感覚が覚束(おぼつか)ない。
喉が…、そう、喉が渇いている。水が欲しい。
「…何処か、苦しい？」
囁きが降る。やさしい声だ。
耳の奥で何かが唸っている。うるさい…。振り払おうとして、首の動かない事に気付いた。
唾を飲み込もうとした。とたんに走る口内の痛み。渇き切っているからだ。
ああ、水が欲しい。頭の中が、水という言葉で氾濫(はんらん)する。荒れ狂う言葉。水。
「…wa、s…ser…」
水が、欲しい…。
唇に、冷たい硬質感。Wasserflasche(水筒)だ。
喉を滑り落ちる玲瓏(れいろう)。浮上する意識。霞のような光が収束し、視界が焦点を縒(よ)り合せる。
「っっっ！」
水筒を掴もうとした右腕を貫く激痛。
「Non! 急に動かないで」
思考が定まらない。収束したはずの意識が、痛みに再び拡散される。
不思議な発音の独逸語。
それに何かを問おうとした。けれど、飛び出たのは、襤褸(ぼろ)のような息の切れ端だけ。
ここは、何処(どこ)だ？
ヒルダは、何処だ？
思うように動かない首。僅かに、眼球だけが意に従う。ぎちぎちと音を立てながら。
右端に、明るい小麦色が見えた。頭髪だ。
「私の独逸語、わかるかしら？話し掛けても平気？頭痛や、吐き気はない？」
ぁあ、独逸語にしては母音が…柔らか過ぎるんだ…。
視界の端に映る５月の麦畑が、揺れる。その奥に、Cereste(セレスト) Blue(ブルー) の空が見えた。
体が、一瞬沈んで軽くなった。
風が、頬を凪(な)いでいる。
明るい麦畑、Cereste Blueの空。
ヒルダがその二つを繋いで立ち、自分に向って手を振っている。
やった！
握り拳をつくって叫んだ。
向こう側に来れたんだ！体中に湧き上がる歓喜。
自由の国だ！もう何にも邪魔されない。何にも縛られない。成功したんだ！
両腕を伸ばし、夢中でヒルダを抱きしめると、暖かかった。
吹き渡る爽やかな風と、陽の香りがした。四方で揺れる万籟(ばんらい)の祝福。
雨に濡れた体は、もう乾いたんだね……。
そんなことが、とても、とても嬉しかった事を覚えている。
良かった……オレは泣いていた。
そして、
ざぁあっっ。
吹き上がった野分けに、体が大きく跳ねた。
額に、涼しい触感。
眸を開けると(…ということは、これまで自分は眠っていたのだ。どのくらい？) 、ヒルダではない女性が、暗がりからオレに向って手を翳(かざ)しているのが分った。
では、この額に感じる心地良さは、きっと、この手を持つ人間のやさしさなのだ。
オレは虚ろに、自分を覗き込む白い顔を見詰めた。
幼い輪郭に宿る瞳の深さが、ゆっくりと記憶に沈み込む。ひどくぼんやりとした既視感。それは奇妙に明るく照らされ、透明な喜びと悲しみに繋がっていた。
少女と女性の狭間、その仮初(かりそめ)の空気を曳きながら、青い双眸はオレを覗き込む。
「熱がやっと下がったところよ。苦しい？ 大丈夫。まだ、ゆっくり眠って…」
濃(こま)やかな手が、ゆっくりとオレの髪を撫でている。
母が、熱を出すとよくそうして寝付くまで繰り返してくれた。
お前は誰だ？
ここは、どこだ？
オレは、どうしたんだ？
何か、思い出さなくてはならない事があったはずだ。
瞼が重くなる。そして、落ちる。
自分よりずっと年行かぬであろう人間の労わりに、オレの瞼は無抵抗に力を無くし意識とともに視界を閉ざした。
これが、オレとコードNo.003との出会いだった。
「おい！ 英語ではなせよ！ エ、イ、ゴで！」
「喚くな。それのどこが“英語”だ」
殊更冷たく言い放った言葉に、歯軋(はぎし)りの返答が戻ってきた。
歯軋りの主は、Fire Red と言うに相応しい赤毛を突き立て、真っ赤な顔をしてオレに噛み付いてくる米国人だ。
コードNo.002。成りは大人だが、中身は教養の欠片もない押さえのきかないただのガキ。
003とオレが、現状のやり取りを独逸語で行っていた事に虫の居所(いどころ)を悪くした。
仲間外れにされているとでも思ったのか。寒気のする思考回路を持つ男だ。感じた不満は即口に出す。自制心の乏しい人間。煩わしい。
「ハインリヒ……私たち３人しかいないのよ。わざわざ相手を不快にさせるような物言いはやめましょう？」
相変わらず母音の甘い独逸語で、003がオレを諌める。
では、無意識に相手を不快にさせる言い方は許されるのか、とオレは胸の内で娘に向って冷笑し返す。オレにはそもそも会話という行為自体が不快だし、さらに剥き出しの感情をぶつけられるのは頭の芯が痺れる程の嫌悪を感じることなのだが…？
話すことも、話し掛けられることも、オレにとっては苦痛以外の何ものでもない。彼らはそのことを分っていない。
苦痛に向う意識を、オレがどれほどの忍耐を持ってこの“現実”に引き止めていることか。
自の呼吸に気付く度、裁きの豪腕(ごうわん)に頭を押し潰され、オレがどれほど惨(みじ)めな晒(さら)しの処罰を受けているか、なにも彼等には見えはしない。
半壊した端末室で、何とか生き残った機能を繋ぎ合わせ、封鎖された扉の解除を試みているオレ。
脇に控えていた003は、やがて音立てずに離れ、後方で頭から湯気を吐いているヤンキー(米国人)のもとへ向った。
「ジェット、怒鳴らないで。それじゃあハインリヒだって意地悪したくなっても仕方がないわよ？」
意地悪じゃなく、邪険にしているつもりなんだが、通じていないのか？
003は、今度は舌ったらずな英語を使って、短気なかかし男を宥めにかかっている。
独逸語、英語、仏蘭西語…器用なもんだ。そして、そんな気力がよくあるものだ。
オレたちはそれぞれの母国語を使っているが、彼女はいつも他国の言葉を操り笑いかけてくる。こんな状況で、どうしてそんな風に心を砕けるのか。
誰かをとりなしたり、宥めたり、なんの為にそんな無駄な行為を繰り返すのか。003の持つ価値観がさっぱり分らない。
と、進めていた思考がはたりと止まる。分らないが、分りたいとは決して思っていない自分がいたからだ。
２人の会話が遠くなった。
オレは固く唇を引いたまま、細い銅線同士を繋いでいく。シグナルが一つ点灯する。なんとかこの回線は使えるらしい。
指を、次のコードへ伸ばす。
思考の触手も、記憶の淵へ静かに滑り出す。
003は、オレ達の事を“人間”だった頃の名前で呼ぶ(002のジェットとは、彼女の付けた渾名だが)。
出会って間もない頃、名を尋ねられた。彼女はフランソワーズだと名乗り、お決まりの文句でオレに尋ねてきた。
“ Wie heiβen Sie? ”アナタの名前は？と。
オレは信じられなかった。
何が信じられなかったのか？ そう、自分の体について知らされ、なんの為に変造されたか告げられ、今からその結果データを取ると説明された次に来た言葉が、
“ Wie heiβen Sie? ”なのだ。
始めは、そんな風にセットされた言葉を決まり通りに喋っているのかとも考えたが、003は徹頭徹尾自らの意志によって発言していた。静かで冷静な語り口であったが、空色の眸にしっかりとした意思の色が見えた。
何故か嫌悪を抱いた。
驚きを憎しみに変えて睨み続けてやったら、初めて視線を反らし、俯いて動かなくなった。さらに冷たく見詰め続けると、存外しっかりした声で、オレを姓で呼んでもいいかと尋ねてきた。すなわち、“ハインリヒ”と呼んでもいいか、と。
それを呟かれた瞬間身に犇いた暗い震えを、稲光(いなびかり)が暗闇を照らすように覚えている。
自分を殺したい衝動とはこういうものかと、酷く納得した。
オレは何も返さずに、ひたすら目前の白い顔を見ていた。名状しがたい衷(うち)への衝撃をやり過ごすには、それしか方法を知らなかった。
彼女が何故オレの名を知っているのか、オレ追求しなかった。過程に興味は無い。
その時はむしろ、この娘の漂わせる“育ちの良さ”に意識を集中させた。
白く端整な小さな容貌。鼻筋は通り、唇は至極形がいい。眸はくっきりとして大きく、眉の形も良い。真直ぐな姿勢、控(ひか)えめな態度。きちんとした家庭で育った人間独特の匂い。
冷たい嘲笑が胸の内に湧く。お上品なこった、と。
ここは牢獄なのに。それも、死人を囲う牢獄だというのに。
出来損ないの機械仕掛けの幽霊(ゴースト)が、すましてお互いの“生きていた”頃の名前で挨拶を交わそうとする姿。滑稽過ぎて寒気がする。幽霊は、死人のくせにまだ生きていると主張する。その証に、生前のままの生活を続けようとする。なんという喜劇だ？これは。
オレは、一切あの世界からこの世界に何かを持ち込むつもりはなかった。ここは、人間の世界ではない。オレは人間ではない。何もかも、あの世界にあったものは、オレにはもう関係のないもの。持ち込みたくない。
オレは、穴を開けんとばかりに白い顔の中心を見つづけた。拒絶の意志を漲らせた肩、両手がゆっくりと握り締められる。
頭上から声が降る。娘の顎が、弾かれたように上がる。名残惜しむような眼差しをオレに送ると、けれど硬い音を響かせ、防壁が003の視線を断ち切るまで、彼女はとうとうオレから目を反らさなかった。ひたすらな眼差しが、網膜に暫(しばら)く残った。
あの“時”から、どれほど時間が経ったか知れないが、オレは彼等をコードNo.で呼ぶ事に慣れ、同じように003はごく自然にオレの“姓”を口にするようになった。
この娘は、結局オレのことを一度もコードNo.で呼んだ事がない。何を思ったか知らないが、あれから次に顔を合わせた時には、にっこり笑いかけてオレの姓を口にしていた。
003の出す“ハインリヒ”と言う音は、記号のような呪(まじな)いの音。
003に音成される時だけ、どこかでもう死んでしまった“人間”の名が、頼りなく明滅する。一瞬にも満たない、刹那の光景を閃かせ消える。
そして、その光景を意識する事もいつのまにか無くなった。
呼ぶ事にも、呼ばれる事にも慣れるだけの時間。それがこの生活で得た、オレの時間の測り方……。
すっと、視線がコードを弄ぶ自らの鈍色の指に止まった。
002が、怒涛(どとう)の如くオレへの不満を、003に向って捲くし立てている。彼女は律儀にそれを聞いてやっている。一通り吐き出せば奴も落ち着くだろう。そのころまでには、このロックもなんとかさせておきたいものだ。オレは慎重に剥き出した銅線同士を重ねる。と、その時。
背後に熾った、息を呑む003の気配。
「ハインリヒ、来るわ……！」
003の言葉が終わるや否や、天上が崩れ、砂埃が舞い上がる。
目に染みる痛みなど気にしてはいられない。今まで弄っていたコードと基盤を床に叩きつけ、オレは003の身体と共に横様(よこざま)に伏せる。前後して、002が鋭く飛び出していったのが分る。
"002、オレ達が外に出る時間が稼げればいい"
専用の通信回路を開き、すぐに呼びかける。
"分ってるって！ そっちこそフランを頼んだぜ！"
Jet Engine(ジェットエンジン) の爆音が耳をつく。
"出て９時の方向……そこが、一番敵が薄いわ"
ほぼ同時に003からも通信が入った。
"出るぞ003。下から002を援護する"
頷き答える代わりに、003が微笑んだ事を空気で感じ取る。
右手のマシンガンで彼女の頭部を庇い、一気に地上に踊り出た。無数のキャタピラに、大地が揺れている。背後に……まだ敵の姿はない。
「003、前の敵は任せた……！」
オレは、上空で002を追い回す“黒いカラス(爆撃機)”に向け膝を蹴り上げ、仕込まれたミサイルを発射させた。命中した一機の煽(あお)りを食って、他に２機が墜落してくれた。
002は……上空からヒラヒラと手を振っている。
「……っ！」
思わず舌を鳴らした。
その時だ。
銃声が空気を裂き、003の身体がオレの背中にかなりの衝撃で突き当たった。まさかと思い彼女の身体を見るが、外傷は見当たらない。
「ごめんなさ…」
呟きかけた003の言葉に、頭上の002からの吃驚(びっくり)した声が被さった。
間を置かず、002が大地に叩きつけられた。
右手のマシンガンを乱射させ、タンクを威嚇しながら002の落下した地点へ急ぐ。そのオレに、003はぴたりと付いて来る。
「いってぇ?っ」
オレの姿を目にした002が後頭部を摩(さす)りながら、握っていたものを放り投げて寄越(よこ)した。今日試供されたばかりのハンドガンだ。
「あったまくるぜ！ そいつ、使えねぇよ！」
オレは無言で、受け取った銃を構え左後方から近づくタンクを狙った。
「っ！！」
見当はつけていたものの、全く踏ん張りが利かなかった。幾つもの兵器が内蔵され、使用時の反動に耐えうるだけの処置が施されているこのオレの体が、両足が後に滑り、片膝が折れた。
発砲の反動が凄まじい。破壊力のある銃器を小型軽量化した物なのだろうが……“人間”には使えまい。オレたちcyborg(サイボーグ)にも、このままでは使い物にはならないだろう。今のたった二度の衝撃で、本体の方がお陀仏になっている。苦笑が漏れた。
傍らの女性型CYBORGに尋ねる。
「指は無事か？」、と。用心金と握把(グリップ)のバランスが悪く、“指”に腕が持っていかれたのだ。
「大丈夫」
間髪入れず答えが返る。それを、鵜呑みに出来ない事は百も承知だが……。
「地雷と、なるべく陣営の薄いところを指示してくれ」
必要なことだけを短く言い切る。
003は、頷く代わりに微笑む。何故かは知らないが、こいつはいつもそう。仕方なく、言葉を付け足す。
「002、003をフォローしてやれ」
「分ってるって！」
こいつは、何が嬉しいんだか、いつも全開の笑顔で頷く。
オレは……そんな彼等を目の端で確認すると、本当に微かに頷いて、前方に向って駆け出す。
後には２人分の足音。生きているモノはそれだけの、だだっ広い実験場。
何時間走り、逃げ続けたか分らない。が、周囲に迫っていた戦車や戦闘機だのといった面々が、ゆっくりと踵を返し引き上げて行く。空には星が瞬いている。こんな、バカらしいゲームの間だけ、本当の空の下に立てる。
「やれ、やれ助かった」
息を吐いて赤毛ののっぽが座り込んだ。いつもの利かん気は何処へ消えたのか、いや、本当に心底参っているのだろう。オレだってそうなのだから。今日の演習は、今までに無く規模が大きく、長時間に渡っていた。爆撃による激しい耳鳴りがまだ治まらない。
だが……こんな所で一息入れればろくなことにはならない筈だ。
「003、戻るぞ」
オレは、言葉と同時に彼女を抱き上げた。
少し、よろける。
オレの力が足りないのではない。003を掬うオレ両腕が、予測した負荷との隔たりに上手く均衡を保てなかったからだ。その軽さ、細さに、いつも驚く。よくこれで毎度自分達について来られると…。
荒い息の下から、003は自分で歩くという意志を伝えてきていたが、オレはそれを黙殺する。
「あぁー! いいなぁ! 誰かオレも負ぶってってくンねぇかなぁ?」
足元から、とうとう大地に身体を投げ出してしまった002の声。
「情けない声を出すな。黙って肩にでも捕まってついて来い」
おそらく、赤毛のガキ大将は、豆鉄砲を食らった鳩のような顔をしているのだろう。オレは決して振り向かないが、容易に想像がつく。いつの間にか、そんな推測に確信を持てるほど、幾つもの002の表情の色が記憶に収まっている。自の感情に嘘がない分、彼の色味帖は原色に輝き鮮やかだ。
耳鳴りと発色した色に眩暈を覚える。僅かに眸(ひとみ)を伏せて言葉を吐いた。
「早くしろ。何時向こうの気が変わるとも知れん」
冷厳でありたいと願う自分。
やさしい声など出せない。出し方など忘れた。そこが、003とは違う。
「へへっ…バレてたか……？」
002は、悪戯(いたずら)が見つかった子供のように首を竦めた。
ふらりと立ち上がった左足首から下が、力無くそのひょろ長い足にぶら下がっていた。
黙って左肩を差し出すと、オレより上背があるにも関わらず、上目遣いにこちらを見てくる。
「悪りぃな……えっと…ダ、ダンケってんだっけ？」
002は誰かに背中を叩たかれたら、皮が破れて弾けそうな笑顔でオレに話し掛けてきた。
時々、オレが口を開くと002はこんな表情をする。何が可笑しいのか、堪えずにいっその事笑ってしまえばいいだろうに、珍しくもこんな時、002は控えめに色を出す。
「……余計な口を利く気力があるんなら独りで歩け」
「な、なんだよそれっ！折角こっちから歩み寄ってやってんのに！」
微かに見えた喜びの色が消え、今度は原色の苛立ちが002の面を覆う。
「歩み寄ってなんぞ貰わなくて結構だ。下を見て歩け。オレを巻き添えに転ぶな」
抑揚も澱みも無い科白。002の顔から、苛立ちの色が消えていた。
青い眸が、真直ぐにオレの顔に向けられている。不可解な沈黙。
薄く開きかけていた002の唇が、思い出したとでもいうように動いた。
「…ちぇっ……冷てぇーの……」
オレはその声に一瞥をくれると、003を抱えなおす。002はつまらなそうに、視線を足元に下げると、それからは黙って下を向き歩いていた。ゆっくりとした歩み。
彼の息も、自分の息も、少し荒い。
様々にひしゃげ、投げ散らかされた鋼の残骸を踏みしめ歩く。足元は脆く、鉄錆の山は砂のように崩れ重い体を一層重くさせる。行き先は……冥い寝床。
ダンテの書く所の地獄への道の方が、よほどマシだ。あんなものは、恐怖でもなんでもない。今はそう思う。
行く手に広がる暗く長方形した穴からは、死者の苦しみも、彷徨う亡霊の嘆きも聞こえない。そこにあるのは、自の絶望と虚無。その中へ、また入るのだ。鈍重の行進。
３人三様の沈黙を抱き、オレたちはゲートを潜る。
嗤笑(あざけり)を響かせ、重い門扉は光への道を圧(お)し潰(つぶ)し閉じた。
空調のきいた内部。誘導し開く扉を追って奥へ、地下へ、奥へと進む。
背後で扉が閉まる度に、言いようのない閉塞感が胸の内に降り積もる。進む毎に何かが拉(ひし)ぐ。声無き悲鳴が行き場を探して揺蕩(たゆと)う。
低い通路。迫る壁。灯りは足元の非常灯だけ。
耳に届く音は、疲れて引(ひ)き摺(ず)る重い足音。微かな衣擦れ。
僅かな悪寒。
「なぁ…」
赤毛の男の声が、ぼんやりと耳に届いた。
こんなところで気の滅入る沈黙の行進など、まともな神経ならじっと耐えてはいたくないだろうなぁ。
声を掛けてきた男の心情が手に取るように分る。オレは心の中であざけりの笑みを浮かべる。
分る、だって？ お前もか？ お前も人恋しいというのか？“004”！
オレは唇をしっかりと結びなおした。視線の先を揺るがせないオレの横顔に、002の期待が刺さる。オレは腹に力を入れ、全身をひたすら真直ぐに保ち、ちらとも視線を前方から外さなかった。
そして、そのうち小さな吐息が聞こえ、頬から熱が消えた。
それでいい。“会話”などというものに救いを求めるな。
そもそも、救いなど、存在しない。錯覚するな。何処にも、なににも、救われることなどありはしない。
窒息感に心が喘ぐ。ここは、“嫌”だ。ここは、“嫌い”だ、と。しかし、何処までもがき水面を探ろうとも、水の面には辿り着けない。畢竟、空気の入るべき場所に、冷たい水が侵入し、体は深く、深く沈むしかないのだ。
進む毎に増大する右手をこめかみに当てたい衝動。霧散してしまいたい情熱。思考の平衡感覚がぐるりぐるりと崩れて回りだす。
消滅への希求はしかし、一度失敗に終わったときから、脳に埋め込まれたプログラムが許さない。
もう記憶していない“004”の自殺劇。
意志でもなく、感情でもない、プログラムという四角い金属が魂魄(こんぱく)からの訴えを否定する。
呼吸は口からされているが、息を止めていても苦しみは感じない。指は五本あり、自在に動くが、いつも冷え冷えとしている。この体は一体何なのか。この体は一体誰なのか。教えて欲しい。呑込まれそうになるこの重い模糊(もこ)とした暗闇の正体を知らしめて欲しい。光が欲しい……。
004の、オレの“起動”に立ち会った科学者が五人、死傷したと聞いている。
覚えていないが。
状況が飲み込めず、錯乱していたと、後に再度オレの体にメスを入れた男に聞いた。
その時の“004”に言ってやりたい。もう少し待っていれば、確実に“オレ”が殺してやったのに、と。
目覚めたばかりの“004”は、自分を取り囲む人間たちに右手を振りかざし、彼等が粉々になった後はじめて、自分のこめかみに死の楔を打ち込もうとしたと云う。その隙に背後から忍び寄った同類のCyborgに気付かぬまま。
そいつは、後ろから“004”に掴みかかり、彼の手から発せられた弾は天井にチーズのような穴を幾つも開け、全てが終わった。
“004”は眠らされ、もう一度改造を受ける。一度目は本体の損傷が激しく時間をかけられなかった改造をHallelujah(ハレルヤ)とばかりに付け替えられた。
彼等に言わせれば、今こうして“生きて”いるこの体は“奇跡”なのだとか。決して助かるはずの無かった命が“生きて”てるのだとか。それは“奇跡”で“素晴らしい”事なのだとか…。
何も言い返せない。何故なら、彼等の言っている“生きている”ことが何なのか、“素晴らしい”というのはどんな事なのか、オレにはさっぱり分らないから。
死んでいなければ、生きているのだ。動かないのでなければ、動くのだ。
ただそれだけのことではないか。
冷静さを失わなければ良かったのに、バカな男だ004。何に逆上したのか？落ち着いて、沈着に行動を選べば、最高の望みなど、とうに叶っていたものを……。
オレは、ゆっくりと歩を進める。左肩の存在も、両腕の中の存在も、奇妙に希薄で実感がない。
低く絶え間なく打ち寄せる欲望など切り捨てろ。ここでくたばれば、何度も自分は目覚めさせられるだろう。擦り切れるまで。
だから、ここではくたばれない。
ここでは、駄目だ。
目で見、耳で聞くものだけが全てだ。それ以外の場所で“感じる”事など、全て捨ててしまえ。
最高の望みを叶えるために。
ひたすら前を見つづけ、数十分は歩いただろう。やっとの行き止まり。
しばし動きは停止する。
珍しい。今回は３人まとめて閉じ込めて置くらしい。隔壁(かくへき)の中央に穿たれた狭い扉を潜り、独り胸の内で呟く。
中は、３メートル四方がせいぜいといった四角い部屋。空気は冷たく、僅かに揺らぐ気配もない。
容赦無く、最後の扉が床に縫い付けられる。振動が唸り、閉ざされた空間に木霊(こだま)する。
そして、暗闇に、三体の出来そこないのロボットだけが残る。
002が、早速座り込み口を開いた。
「うへェ。歩いた歩いた！」
「コークぐらい出せってんだクソったれ！」
緊迫感の無い語調。
そう思うだろう？ と奴は、003に大げさに肩を竦めて見せる。赤毛の道化師。
オレは、抱えていた003を降ろす。
オレは、見た。口調とは裏腹に、青ざめ脂汗を滲ませた道化師の顔を。灯りのない部屋でも、オレはそれを見て取った。
ある種の言葉……“本気の泣き言”だけは決して吐かない男だ。そのタフさは何処から来るのか。時々、感心する。ただ血気盛んな、自分本位な男ならよかったのに…。なにとはなしにそう思う。
ふと、002と視線が合った。が、直ぐに002の方から視線は外された。
誰かに、何かに、感心したり、興味を持ったりする事は煩わしい。
オレはそう思う。
だから、直ぐに目の前の壁に意識を集中する。心を何かに裂くのはもうこりごりだ。そういったことは、全て無意味だ。無意味なことは、醜悪だ。
溜息が漏れる。溜息は嫌いなのに。
オレは、打ちっぱなしのコンクリート床に尻を付けたまま動こうとしない、否、動けない、002の傍にしゃがむと、自分の首に巻いたマフラーを外し、注意深くその足を固定しようとした。何が起こるか分らない。少しでも動かせるようにしておかなければ。足を引っ張られるのはごめんだ。
「…待って。もう少し右に傾けて……そう、その方が多分楽なはず……」
ふわりと柔らかな声が降る。
何時からか、002の足をじっと覗き込んでいた003の言葉。002は驚いて003を見上げた。
「…サンキュー……！ ちびっと楽になった！」
「神経系のコードが、小さなジョイントに挟まれていたのよ」
香るように微笑む003に、002が嬉しそうに「便利だなぁ」と話し掛けている。
こいつらの会話は、いつも耳に遠い。
ぼんやりとする思考を息を吸いなおす事で整え、オレは002の首に手をかけた。
「えっ？！ んだよ？」
「騒ぐな。003、手を出せ」
明るい場所では、晴れ渡った空色をしている筈の大きな眸が、今は灰緑に翳って見える。Fog green。その二つの眸が、怯えの色を刷いてオレを見詰めている。
大きな眸。長くカールした白茶の睫毛に縁取られている。
003はじっとオレを見詰めている。この娘は、そういえばいつも“見詰め”る。その表情は、とても独特だ。
早くしろ、とオレは思う。本当は、002のように座り込み、何もかも忘れてオレは眠りたいのだから。オレがまだ気力を失わないうちに。お前の“大丈夫”を信用しないで居られるうちに、手を出してもらいたい。
オレの体は、目覚めてから幾度も改良を重ねられて来てはいたが、兵器的な機能に重点が絞られ過ぎ、殺傷・破壊能力の高さに比べ、持久の点で他の２体には大きく遅れを取る。言わば燃費の悪い大型自動車のようなもの。
長時間の飛行に耐えうるように設計された体や、半永久機械の理念で動力といった動力を必要としない探知機能とは事情が異なる。
だんだんに、自分の体が重くなっていくのが分る。硬いはずの床が沼地のように感じられる。
待つことに飽いて、オレは無表情に、後込む003の腕を引く。
そして、自らの行動の結果に、晒してしまった無残に、小さく息を飲んだ。
「えっ？！ フランソワーズ！ どうしたんだよ、その指！」
「今日の、ハンドガンにやられたんだ」
大仰に驚く002に黙り込ませるように言葉を吐いて、あらぬ方向へ曲がってしまった細い指を手に取った。オレにはどうすることも出来ない。せめて副木なりともあれば……。知らず眉間に皺を刻む。
003の手を掴んでいる左手に息が掛かる。何時の間に床から離れた002の顔が覗き込んでいた。
「じろじろと覗き込むのは止めろ」
無遠慮な視線の主に、注意を促す。
「あんただって見てンじゃねぇか」
悪意が無いのは分るが……この男は、一体何に張り合っているのか？
「“自由の国”ではどうか知らんが、欧州では年頃の娘の素手を、男がじろじろ見るもんじゃないんだよ」
「だから、あんただって見てんじゃねぇか！」
“わからず屋”という単語が脳裏に浮かんだその時、見計らったかのように、柔らかな笑い声が間に入った。
「自慢出来るような、綺麗な手じゃないから、じっと見られたりしたら恥ずかしいでしょ？」
002を見下ろす青い視線は、あくまでも柔らかく穏やか。
本当に、こいつらは18と19なのか？ いや、002が幼過ぎるんだ。オレは、知らず002を睨み付けていた。
そして、この男の関心を反らそうと一呼吸間を取った隙に、赤毛は突進する。
「そんなことないだろ？ 白くって、細くって、綺麗じゃねぇか。それに、折れてるってんだったら、俺の足だって無様なもんサ。なんとかなりそうか004？」
粗野な男から発せられる太い平常感。ふっと、詰めていた何かが和らいだ。
「…004？」
訝しむ002の声で現実に引き戻される。
「ん？ あぁ…」
言い淀んだ隙に、003はオレ手を抜き取った。ありがとう、と呟きながら。
静かに、オレ達の視線から隠すように、003はその手を自身の後に回そうとした。どうすることも出来ないオレにしてやれる事は、002の首から奪った布で、その両手を包んでやる位の事。
003の眸から、やっと怯えの影が消える。
オレは目を反らし、壁に寄りかかって腰を落とした。
消えない澱が、胸に降る。
何も変化させない時間、何も刻まない時間。唯暗闇の中で、じっとしているしかない時間が流れる。
寄せ集めの、ちぐはぐな３人。
米国人、仏蘭西人、そして、独逸人。
戦勝国が２人、敗戦国が独り…。
話す言葉は英語か独逸語。年齢は、上から28、19、18。職業は、未成年のエセギャングと舞踏専門学校の生徒、それから……。
「なぁ、あんたって、仕事って何やってたんだ？」
突然の声に、言葉を返すのが一瞬遅れる。
「あれ？おっさん、寝てた？」
微かに続く男の忍び笑い。
「なんか話そうぜ。折角喋る相手がいるのに、だんまりはつまんねぇよ」
「人にモノを頼む話し方を覚えてから交渉に望め。ガキ」
「なんだよなぁー！しゃーねぇーじゃん。俺たちの間じゃこれが一等ましな喋り方だぜ？」
頭が痛い。
その国土を、一度も戦火に焼かれること無く、世界で一番豊かな国へと邁進している国の住人だったモノの言葉か、これが？
アルハンブラ(境界線映画館)で見たプロパガンダも、あながち嘘と誇張だけではないかもしれないと考え、思わず眉間に指が伸びる。
第一次大戦、第二次大戦と墓穴を掘るだけ掘り尽くした故国の退廃は理解できる。
だが、何故、豊かであるはずの"誇れる大国"で、その大都市で暮らしていた人間が、両親もなく、同世代の子供たちだけでギャングの真似事をしながら生きていかなくてはならないのかが、理解に難い。
また、その事を、出会って数分の後には自ら勢い良く語って聞かせたこの男も理解に難い。
「フランソワーズは俺の喋り方なんて気にしてねぇよな？」
静かにオレ達の会話に耳を傾けていた003に、002は話を振った。
微笑む事で、問いかけを肯定する003。
両足を縮めて抱き座る姿は、実験場で見せる硬い表情とは異なり、もっと、ずっと幼く、哀れだった。
003が黙っていたのは、その耳と目を今も使い続けているからだろう。全ての神経を外に向け、未だ臨戦体制を解けないでいる。
オレ達の為か？
いや……オレ達が居ても居なくても、きっとこの緊張感を003は解けないだろう。
今は、オレ達を守る為。
独りの時は、きっとオレ達を案じるが故に……。
実験だと連れ出され、顔を合わせる度に、不安に息を詰めながらも、安堵の表情を浮かべていた003の姿。それは、言外にオレ達の無事を喜ぶ顔色。
「合衆国大統領の名前を言ってみろ」
「へっ？」
「自国の元首の名前も知らないのか？」
「ち、ちょっとまてよ！ 今、俺はあんたの事を聞いてたんだぜ？！」
「口の聞き方を知らんくせに喚くな。オレの質問に答えられたら、オレも応えてやる」
「おいっ?そんなのありかよ?！ 俺はテレビもラジオも無かったんだぜ……」
暫く大人しく考えていろ、煩いんだお前は。
「ハインリヒは、自分の事を喋るの、好きじゃ、ないのよね……？」
やっと沈黙を得たと思ったところに忍び込む、囁くような母国語。
発信者に視線を送ると、003がすらりとした首を僅かに傾け、微かな咲みと共にオレを見る姿があった。
「ハインリヒは、兵役経験者？」
柔らかく、穏やかに彼女はオレに尋ねる。
口から音を出すのは嫌いだが、先に見た003の指が目に浮かび、なんとはなしに言葉を口にしていた。
「…一年間だけ。とんだ真似事だったがな……少しは役に立っているらしい……」
頭の後ろで組んでいた両腕のうち、右腕を引き抜き、目前に掲げて見せる。
冷たく己の腕の先についているものに目をやる。鈍く光るそれ。
オレの容貌には無表情が張付き、顔色は微動だにしない。それが消せない。
「私は、戦争が終わった時２歳だったし、南フランスに居たから、よく覚えていないのだけれど。貴方は……？」
オレの変わらない顔面のうち、眸だけが鋭さを増す。
「オレは１３になっていたよ、お嬢さん(フロイライン)」
皮肉と敵意が通じたのか、003が沈黙した。
けれど暫くして、"お嬢さん"と呼ぶしかないような、お人形さんのようなモノが口を開いた。
002は…、興味津々の体でオレ達の会話を見ている。
「……じゃあ、戦争が終わって、……貴方は幸せになった？」
心臓を、険しい勢いで鷲掴みにされた。そう感じた。
息が、詰まった……。
何の話をしている？！ 眉間に深く筋を刻む。眼がすっと絞られる。酷く険阻な顔をしているに違いない。黙したままの声とは異なる声が、視界の中で乱舞する。
幸せになったか？ だと？
当たり前だ！ 幸せだ！ 幸せになったに決まっている！ と。
空襲も無い。親衛隊の足音もない。泣き叫ぶ人々の声も、血の匂いも、窓ガラスの打ち破られる音もない！ 幸せだ。その筈だ、と。
激しく乱れ飛ぶ声のが、視界を埋め尽くしたとき、突然それはやってきた。
そうだ、それに満足していれば良かったんだ……という呟きが……。
戦後、ベルリンの東側に取り残された自分。
国が用意した線路の、その通りを歩いていればよかったのに……。
何故、“西”になんて目を向けてしまったのだろう。
オレは、何を恐怖していたのだろう。
あの戦下の日々に比べれば、秘密警察が、国家の威信が、何だったと言うのだ。
少なくとも、空襲は無かった……！
少なくとも、口を閉ざしてさえいれば、“オレ”は拘引されることもなかった筈だ…！
……どうして……あの時、命よりも大切な事に思えたのだろう……“西”に行くことが…。
どうして、彼女の命とオレの命を秤に掛けられたのだろう……そこに行かなければ“幸せ”になれないと……。
「…ぃ……おい…、あんた、大丈夫か…？」
暗い、暗い水面を覗き込む心。誰にも救えやしない。救われたくもない。
「貴方は……、とても、不思議な人……。誰よりも、ずっと、生きている事を憎しみながら、それでも貴方は、全力で生き抜こうとする……独りだけでではなく、私達皆を生かそうとしている……」
「おい、フランソワーズ！さっきから何言ってんだよ？」
003は少しだけ、赤毛の男に視線を送った。が、彼女はまたじっと前方の闇を見詰めるオレに視線を戻した。
かちり、と何かが噛み合う。時の歯車か、絶望の深さか。
忘却の鍵穴から、染み出す記憶。
数え切れないほど見てきた。連行され、怯える顔、顔、顔！
哀れみを請い、救いを求める腕、腕、腕！
街角で、襤褸切れの様に放置された体、身体、體…。
あんなふうにはなりたくはない。
あんなふうには死にたくはない。
あんなふうになるために、生まれて来たのじゃない。
軋む頤を、力ずくで抉じ開け、オレは応えた。眼前には、無限の暗漠。
「お嬢さん、オレは、こんな所でくたばりたくないんだよ。早く消えて無くなりたいのが本音だ。だが、ここじゃ駄目だ。こんな所で、こんな理由ではくたばれない。ド最低な戦争でも、たった１２でも、オレはこれだけは学んだ。
…人間は……、どんな人間でも、虫けらのように殺されちゃいけない。くたばっちまったら、いけないんだ……！」
そうだ。早くヒルダの所へ行きたい。こんな身体、直ぐにでも破壊したい。でも……。
でも……。
オレは、バカな希望と夢で、自らの最愛の半身の人生を奪った。
あれほど幸福にしてやりたいと希んだ存在はなかった。彼女の為になら何でもしてやりたかった。出来るはずだった。
けれど現実は、オレの愚かさを指し示し停止する。
埋葬してやれなかった。同じ雨に打たれ、朽ち果てるまで共に居てやることも出来なかった。
決して自分に許せない“死に方”を、彼女に被せてしまった。
彼女の最後の一呼吸まで感じ取ったこの記憶……。
全て覚えている、焼き付かせ保存している。
その身体を、こんな所に葬り去りたくない……。
せめて、陽のあたる場所で、放してやりたい。
泣き叫びたい気持ちというのは、こんな感じだっただろうか……？
身を丸め、両腕に頭を抱えて何かを叫びたい気がする。
眸は燥いたままだったが。
沈黙していると、無言(しじま)の音が耳を圧する。思いも、胃も、肩も、足も、全てその中に包まれてしまいそう。そして……、
「Ich war gut……」
オレは、普段の002を笑えない位、呆けた眼差しで003の事を見詰めたに違いない。
何を言われたのか理解できなかった。
紛れも無く母国独逸の言語に聞こえたが……。
「良かったわ……」
聞き間違いではない、らしい……、オレは、ますます呆れて003を眺めた。
“良かった”という言葉で締めくくれるような話をした覚えは、少なくともオレには全くない。
「貴方は……、時々、まるで自分を人間じゃないように思い込もうとしている風だったから……でも、今の言葉を聞いたから………良かった…」
体中の力が抜けた。とんでも無い失策をした、とそう感じていた。
『…人間は……、どんな人間でも……』
混乱する。首が坐らない。
オレは、死にたくても死なない理由に、『人間』という言葉を使って003に答えたのだ。
違う、訂正だ。今のはちっとも答えじゃない。
オレは、人間ではないのだから！
オレは必死で死なずに居る理由を探した。
探している、探している、探している。
見える言葉は、『ヒルダ』と『ここでは死ねない』。
『ヒルダ』と、『死ねない』。
『ヒルダ』と…。
オレは、瞑目し顔を伏せた。
この娘が、どれほどの意図を込めて言葉を発したか知らないが……。
「？……なんか、嬉しい事でもあったんか？ フランソワーズ？」
喧しさだけが取り得のような男が、途切れた会話にこれ幸いと割って入る。
呆然とした心持で首を擡(もた)げ瞳を開くと、黙って微笑みながらオレを見詰めている大きな灰緑の瞳。
そんな彼女を、嬉しそうに見ているコードNo.002…『ジェット』・リンク……。
Fire Red という言葉に相応しい髪と、Sea Blue の瞳というなんとも派手な容姿の、見てくれはだけは一人前の青年。
何を思ったか、そいつがオレの顔を覗き込んでまた口を開く。
「へぇぇ…ホントだ。あんたの目の色ってMoon Gray だったのな。フランソワ-ズ、よくこんな無愛想なおっさんの顔なんて見ていんのな？」
小さく肩を竦めて……003が失笑し言った。
「Jet, he's handsome. Not an old man.」
彼女を笑わせた事に、少し得意げな002の笑い声がそれに続く。
考えたい事が、沢山ある。擦り切れるまで考え、答えを見出したいことが、許したくないことが。
尽きさせたくないものが、終わりにしたくないものが、愛(いと)しみすら感じるものが、臆病の数だけある。
でも…、とても眠い。
今此処でオレが眠ってしまったら、“何か”が起こったとき、２人はどうなるだろう。その事に思いを馳せて、何とか眠気を払おうとする。
「うるさいぞ、クソガキ。口数の多い奴は成功とは縁が薄いっていう格言を知らないのか？」
掠れる意識を誤魔化すために、殊(こと)更(さら)低く、睨みを利かせて言葉を吐き出す。オレは002を利用している。
「なんだぁそりゃ？なんだよ、そのカクゲンって！」
「ドイツの……人生の真理を完結に言い表した言葉だ」
「っんなの、知るわけゃねぇーだろう？！ 俺はニューヨーカーだぜっ？」
「そのニューヨークの玄関口を飾る自由の女神とかいう奴が、仏蘭西製だって知っているか？ クソガキ。偉そうな口を利くな。少しは黙っていろ」
「！！！！！！！！！！！！！！」
目を白黒させて「本当か？」と003に泣きつく赤毛のかかし。
少し困った顔をしながら002に、女神像がアメリカに贈られた経緯を説明する003。
ついでにメイフラワー号あたりからの合衆国のあらましも、空洞だらけの赤い頭に詰め込んでやれ、そう003に言い掛けて止めた。下手に飲み込ませようとしたら、こいつは知識で溺死しかねない。
我知らず口角が緩んだ。
胸の前で腕を組む。消費熱を最小限にまで落し、再び目を閉じる。
機械の体、怪物にされた自分への嫌悪。それに隠して、幾つもの事に目を背けている自分がいる。逃げ惑う自分がいる。
まざまざと気付く事を拒否している。
自らを否定し嘆く行為が、どれほどこの自分を魅了して止まないか。やっとそんなことも了解出来るようになってきた。
分っている。
どうしようもなく、分っている。
でも、眠い……。
瞳を閉じれば、いつか夢に見た光景。
光と大地を繋いで、力一杯オレに手を振り、呼びかけている女の姿。
あそこへ行きたい。あの場所へ。
オレの、本当に行きたい場所はそこ。“西”でも、過去でも、未来でもない。
あそこへ行きたい。本当に行きたい。
行きたい。
瞼の内が濡れる。
ゆっくりと首が傾(かし)ぐ。
オレの、望む姿が記憶の中にのみ生きる女と共にある。
その光の下にある。
女、ヒルデガルドの隣に立つ男は、駆け寄った速さに息を荒めながらも、笑っている。
両膝に置いていた手を外し、背筋を正すと、そいつは誇らしげに女の肩に手をかける。
唇の端が持ち上がるだけの笑いだが、満たされたやさしさに融けそうな目をしている。
頭が痺れるような光景。
オレは、あんなふうでありたかった……。
眼窩がゆるゆると濡れる。
けれど、今は。
そう、それでももう少し、もう一眠り分だけ、生きる事よりも、何者にも換え難い女を失った男の痛みだけを抱いて眠っていたい。
タイトルは、Libera の2ndアルバム「Luminosa ルミノーサ」の中の「Sacris Solemnis / サクリス・ソレムニス＜聖なる儀式＞」から。
聖トマス・アクィナスが書いた歌詞です。訳は様々にあるようですが、こちらで使った訳はLiberaのアルバムに入っていたものを引用しました。
ベートーベンの交響曲第７番２楽章の曲をモチーフにしたものです。初めてこの歌を聴いた時、頭の中にまざまざと映像が走ったのを覚えています。003の映像が浮かんで動いた曲ですが、他のメンバーにも重なります。
